Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.