Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end