WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok


ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

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The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.


Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.


Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.


My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday


ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.


Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.


I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.


[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?


I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.