@daemonic3

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

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@LostFelicia

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

@BridgetPhetasy

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

@envydatropic

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

@FatherWithTwins

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

@truegritrumble

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

@SuSuSuDonym

Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.

@wildethingy

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

@TheToddWilliams

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

@KateWhineHall

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.