Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

Become ungovernable.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

This is what makes twitter great

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.