Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.