Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

This is sending me to another galaxy

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

we did it you guys we saved daylight

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.