Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
You Might Also Like
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.