Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

Does your wife know you’re single?

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?