Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

🧠

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.