Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

You’ll be OK

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

no one ever comes back

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

hello pervert is such a strong opener

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars