Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

Just got to our Airbnb!

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.