Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

Muppet Screams

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.