Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
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a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*