Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
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My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Sing it!
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”