Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.