Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
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Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997