Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.