Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

craving $300 all of a sudden

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.