wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
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Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.