Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

“what that mouth do?” complain

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

Stonehinge

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”