Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
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ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
There is no try. There is only give up.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
me refusing to leave twitter
