Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
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Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Monday
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.