*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
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Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*