Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

my fav colour is also hitler

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction