Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

First I was a pebble..

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it