Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
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TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end