@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

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@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

@AmishPornStar1

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

@BuckyIsotope

Started to travel back in time to kill Hitler, but then I decided to be more efficient and went back and shot Adam and Eve instead.

@notacroc

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

@daemonic3

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

@shutupmikeginn

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

@Sassafrantz

Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.