@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

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@HenpeckedHal

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

@Philosopherbing

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

@TheBoydP

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

@squirrel74wkgn

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

@daplusk

I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet

@TravLeBlanc

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

@wickedsuga

My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.

@ElizaBayne

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

@BoomBoomBetty

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end