WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.


WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.


You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.


Started to travel back in time to kill Hitler, but then I decided to be more efficient and went back and shot Adam and Eve instead.


WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies


Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.


If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?


Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.


Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.