@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

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@WilliamAder

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

@not_liberal

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

@dundlewood

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

@skedaddle74

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

@SardonicTart

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

@notthenanny

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

@BrandonVine

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

@Staggfilms

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

@FeelingEuphoric

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection