Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
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“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Cop: Sir do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You’re the third policeman to ask me that tonight. They should really train you guys better.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
A Tweet is like a dress; the shorter the hotter.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
It’s been 3 years and my golden retriever has yet to retrieve any gold at all. 0 stars.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
M: he likes music
M: we’re in a band
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye