WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
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Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.