Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

ㅤ

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.