Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
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Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?