Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
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My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Ok but actually
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*