Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

Auto correct is my worst enema.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

Nothing.

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.