Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”