WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
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Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.