wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
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Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
life finds a way
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”