Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
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Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
wait.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.