Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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