WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
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Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”