Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

Eggs benadryl my favourite

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

*skinny dips into black hole

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups