Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
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safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
What kind of a cult is this?
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?