Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

This woman is my idol. Free her.

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.