Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
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I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I bet
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.