Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
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I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Dance like you’re not the father
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.