@InsouciantMan

Wife just looked at an 8″x8″ picture and estimated it to be 12″x12″.

Perhaps you can see why I consider this a good thing.

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@dubstep4dads

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

@WilliamAder

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

@LorieGZ

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

@mzeld

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

@Mom_Overboard

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

@girlnarly

[driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop

@Cheeseboy22

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

@TheDailySchmuck

I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.

Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.

@Home_Halfway

What if Rafiki was just holding Simba up to the light to make sure he wasn’t counterfeit