Wife just looked at an 8″x8″ picture and estimated it to be 12″x12″.

Perhaps you can see why I consider this a good thing.

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i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community


Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.


Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’


Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.


My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?


[driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop


If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.


I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.

Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.


What if Rafiki was just holding Simba up to the light to make sure he wasn’t counterfeit