Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
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Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.