Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
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Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Sing it!
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
