Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
My patience has stretch marks.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.