Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I’m dying louder than usual today.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera