WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
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Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I bet
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I have obtained a hat
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.