WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
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*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
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Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.