WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
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I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything