Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

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The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!