Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

Tough love is true love

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere