Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Investing in beetcoin

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.