Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.