Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

im 7 sauces long

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.