Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

how much does a mortician urn in a year

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

Tammy is short for Tamuel

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.