Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.