Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

[adds another nod to the conversation]

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Haha! 😂

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”