Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

I see your IQ test came back negative

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist