Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

The devil.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before