Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

{First Day at FedEx}

me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away

manager: wow you’re a natural

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

Why? Just why? 😂

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless