Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

Autocorrect completely socks

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home