Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

Tuesday

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon