Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.