Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.