Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.