Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
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I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.