@amishschool

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

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@Smooheed

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

@aissalanis

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

@The_CamGirl

ME: I love the D
HER:Why?
ME:I love to lick them first
HER:…
ME:Then I love to swallow them
HER:…
ME:I love D

Dunkin’ Donuts Interview

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

@a_bi_gal

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

@MrJohnNorris

WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON’T WORK…IT’S TOO RISKY

@LemmingDad

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

@JessicaVarsity

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.