Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
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My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
RT if you could go either way.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
just having fun
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often