Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
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Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
ME: I love the D
ME:I love to lick them first
ME:Then I love to swallow them
ME:I love D
Dunkin’ Donuts Interview
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON’T WORK…IT’S TOO RISKY
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
In hell your pizza delivery guy is a snail.