Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

They should make a moral fiber supplement

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.