Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

🤭😂

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

They did not think through this water fountain

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.