Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.