Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

Mhm.

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.