funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
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If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON: