Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

They say women only use 10% of their anger

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

Awesome parenting 😂

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.