Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
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I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Found the job I’m suited for
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
(by @ZachWeiner )
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?