Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
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Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
i choose….tongue
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT